Beyond the Misnomer of “Being Happy vs. Being Right”

RightWrongIn the 5-minute drive on the way home from the gym early this morning, I was listening to a conversation between two radio personalities; it was a man and a woman talking about how important it is to get to the place of “being happy vs. being right” in a relationship. I’ve recently seen a lot of quotes around this on social media, too.

I know it’s well meant – finding a way to get from a place of battling and competition to a place of peace in a relationship – however, from a higher consciousness perspective, such a strategy is only partially productive, and it can often shift our limitations to a completely different and just as self-limiting of an angle instead of liberating us from them, to truly allow ourselves to exist in happiness, both individually and together.

Let’s shift this… just… a… little… bit… by considering a few points that are often overlooked in this context:

  • “Right” and “wrong” are judgments created and held by the ego via separation/duality and the filter of one’s individual journey. Thus, the perception of such is different from individual to individual. When we base any decision on “who’s right” or “who’s wrong,” we’re doing so on a very personal, filtered, judgmental basis. In actuality, it’s comparing apples to oranges!When looking at it from this perspective, it’s exclusionary and limiting to judge someone else’s truth (and thus, their “right” and “wrong”) based on our own! No matter what the relationship, if we’re doing that, we’re holding the other individual to a standard that we hold based on a sum of experiences that they haven’t had (even if you’ve been married for 50 years); we’re also expecting them to make our truth more important than their own! Ultimately, it’s not the job of anyone else to hold the truth of our journey… only their own.We’ve fully saturated ourselves in this separation-based power struggle; in doing so, we’ve decided that we value ourselves based on others following what we personally believe to be “right” and “wrong,” and what “battles” we’ve won… or often, how we’ve managed to assert our truth onto someone else.

    One of the biggest limiting habits we hold in this context is that we often

    a) force our own belief/experience of what is “right” onto someone else, in the effort to make them accept it as their own, or

    b) allow someone else to project and enforce their own belief/experience of what is “right” onto ourselves, essentially giving up that piece of our own truth and journey as not as important or valuable as the other person’s.

    It’s a constant swing of the pendulum in many traditional relationships, in any presentation via this existence of duality. Mine, yours, yours, mine, etc. Change of power, change of situation, change of individual filters… and it swings yet again, often off in a different direction.

  • What “being happy” in a relationship actually means. We often focus so much effort and energy on making another person happy in a relationship that we forget the primary importance of our own happiness. I can’t tell you how many clients I’ve seen who, when I ask what makes them happy, they reply, “Making my ______ (spouse, kids, family, etc.) happy.” (And make no assumptions here; I’ve heard this from men just as often as I’ve heard it from women!)Energetically speaking, putting the importance of someone else’s happiness above our own  energetically says that our own happiness – and thus, our own journey – isn’t as important as someone else’s. This is also most often well-meant, with the belief that this shows how much we care or love them; however, it’s still exclusionary and limiting to at least one person in the party! This might be fine for a few weeks, a few months, a few decades… however, at some point, the pile of self-sacrifice will get so big – even built on what often starts out as small – that it will create a personal crisis, and/or a crisis in the relationship, because the relationship becomes so emotionally imbalanced that something breaks. This manifests in a variety of ways, for one or both parties involved: It can lead to depression, adultery, anger/animosity, heightened self-esteem issues, and on the other end, toddler-like entitlement (at the expense of the other) and overdominance. These are the points at which many of my clients come in to see me; they often have a long, built up resentment of the partner, of themselves, of the relationship, or any/all of the above!

HoldinghandsSo, what would be the higher perspective of this? How would we evolve our relationships beyond this, for a truly enjoyable, high vibrational experience?

  1. Find, know, and continuously cultivate your own happiness, first and foremost. So often, I start with asking someone, “What brings you pure joy – without dependence on another person to give it to you (like a child, spouse, etc.)?” There are a surprising amount of people I’ve encountered who don’t even know the answer to that simple question! I often have to refrain the question to, “If you were all by yourself, and you could do anything you wanted to be happy with the exception of having other people around you, what would you do?”And still, sometimes I get a blank look and, after a pause, the guilty confession: “I don’t know.”When we board an airplane, we have to listen to the safety guidelines at the beginning of the flight. What does the flight attendant say about those oxygen masks, should they fall from the ceiling? “Secure the oxygen mask on yourself first, before helping anyone sitting next to you…” 

    This is a GREAT analogy about finding our own happiness; the kind that comes from within. Another one is that eventually, a well runs dry when it’s not nourished and rejuvenated regularly. How can we give a true outpouring of love to others if we only have a limited amount of love within ourselves?

    Also, as much as it’s important to know what makes you happy… it’s just as important to DO what makes you happy! Do you like sunrises? The ocean? Going for a walk around a lake? Stopping in a flower garden to admire the flowers? Do you have a hobby or anything you like to do that stills the mind and opens the heart? When was the last time you did anything of the sort to immerse yourself in the experience? It’s only important that YOU do it (and completely optional for anyone else to do it with you); expecting a partner to like everything you do is, again, projecting your “truth” onto them. Likewise for them; it’s only important that they take time to do the things that bring them joy, as well… free of expectation that you have to do it with them!

    Of course, part of a relationship is sharing, so experiencing together is great; maybe you both have many commonalities in what brings you joy… and you can of course explore that together, too!

    Overall, remember the sense of self-love (which means honoring your own journey) is the heightened vibration with which to come to a relationship; if we make it a priority to nurture, nourish, and grow our own happiness, we come to a relationship with the vibration of purely enjoying the other person, vs. needing them to fill some gap we believe we have, and vice versa.

  2. Honor each other’s journey and each other’s truth, without judging what’s “right” and “wrong.” Sounds easy, right? Yet, it can be one of the most limiting dances we play with each other in a relationship! Can we disagree? Absolutely! It’s actually very healthy for both in a relationship to stand in their truth, even when it’s different from each other. When we honor each other as having the perfect journey for our purposes, we come to the table respecting each other and in partnership – equally – while respecting ourselves (which comes from a strong sense of self-love; thus, see number 1, above!). The key is to know our own truth, be confident in it, and still consider and honor the truth of someone else, even if it’s different.That’s when we really begin to listen – and hear – to each other.When we come to the relationship from a conscious perspective of self-love and mutual respect, we’re actually more open to disagreement and seeing things from a higher perspective, to more easily come to a middle ground where each individual still gets to maintain their truth while functioning together to agree upon what’s highest and best in that situation that plays out together.
  3. Shifting the focus of our negative emotions from projecting/blaming another to taking responsibility for our own trigger points and negative emotions. No one makes us feel a certain emotion – regardless of what they do – except for ourselves! So ultimately, it goes back to self-awareness and self-love: If we’re good with ourselves and where we are, the other person can leave the toothpaste cap all they want, they can leave their dirty clothes anywhere, and it will all be just fine!Try this next time you get irritated at someone else: Ask yourself, “Why do I care?” Keep on asking that question (questions to the questions) until you get to a place of full self-responsibility; it often comes down to beliefs around self-worthiness (self-love, or lack of) in some way, shape, or form!

These are some very basic ways we can fundamentally change our relationships, away from the separation-based version to the unity-based version. Instead of considering relationships – all of them – as a battle of some sort, a hierarchy of some sort, what if we came to the table in a place of love, unity, and mutual respect? Then instead of spending so much energy asserting or sacrificing, we allow ourselves and each other to be the best each of us can be in the reflection of our relationship!

If you’re looking for help with any of this, whether for yourself only or in a relationship, contact me for some sessions! I’ve worked with a number of individuals and couples to help them navigate through the relationship matrix in a very different manner than is traditional; away from a place of limitation and lower vibration to a place of joy, collaboration, and higher spiritual consciousness.

Band-Aid or True Health? Shifting Our Approach for EFFECTIVE Results in (Energy) Healing

energyhealingorgWhen I first left corporate America in 2006, I did it to start an organically certified herb nursery.

I needed something different after 17 years of climbing the ladder; I’d already started using herbs and alternative therapies, and truly enjoyed growing and drying them for my own use at home. So, when a nice-sized piece of property on the other side of my back fence went up for sale, we purchased it, and I began my expansive yet somewhat brief (five-year) entrepreneurial journey into organic growing.

Though I’d grown my backyard garden organically, it turned out I had a LOT to learn about commercial-sized organic growing!

The true essence of organic growing is completely different from what is called conventional growing; however, I’d been brought up using conventional methods, and really learned the organic practice on the fly. It’s all I knew.

For the first year, I tried to grow and manage my herbs via organic methods, but with the habit of conventional methodology: If bugs showed up that started eating my plants, I found an organic spray with which I could obliterate them. Often that would set off another issue or imbalance of some type… and I would address it the same way: find an “organic version” of the conventional one. I found I was always fighting fires; there was always something off kilter, and I was always chasing after it.

There wasn’t any balance or flow… and I was always treating symptoms, but typically not solving the cause.

At some point, I stepped back, and realized I was using a frame of mind that didn’t work in this environment long term. I found that in circumstances when I couldn’t “react” right away… if I waited – if I allowed – something would come up that would start to balance out the imbalance. And, I also found if I looked at overall health, overall nourishment, overall conditions, and managed them to be optimal all the time, preempting conditions that would breed disease, bugs, etc… then the issues would be smaller, and it seemed that nature would mostly take care of it. The plants would be healthier, there would be less pests eating them… and the natural predators of the plant-eating bugs would move in and be at the ready to assist with natural control. AND… I slept much better at night!

Funny that looking back now on that little side trip of mine was a great metaphor that played out to show me how my future practice in energy healing would work!

Many begin with an approach to energy healing in the same way that I originally approached my nursery: Wanting to employ this kind of therapy in a “conventional” sense, with the mindset of reactivity and/or “putting on the Band-Aid.” Many start pursuing energy healing as a way to quell pain, stress, tension, and very physical issues; one wants to be alleviated, and alleviated NOW! “Put the Band-Aid on, and help the symptom go away!”

Can that work? Absolutely. But why stop there?

When we step back and increase our consciousness and realize how energy works, how our consciousness works, and how we create our reality in this Universe, we recognize that everything in the physical first and foremost comes from the NON-physical! Whether physical, emotional, environmental, spiritual… we energetically create and manifest things into our bodies and surroundings that we hold energetically as blockages (or separation) on our journey. First, it’s important for us to explore that, in a place of transcendent acceptance, considering questions such as, When did this start? What do you feel? What have the limiting patterns that have repeated themselves in your life looked like? Everything that we hold as belief manifests itself into our reality to “tell” or remind us. Most often, it manifests in multiple ways that we see as disparate and different, which is the reason we have a detailed conversation including the questions above.

Everyone’s manifestations are different, based in their individual journey/story. Yes, there are some similarities – but don’t get bogged down in trying to make a rule when we make and change rules all the time!

Sometimes symptoms get worse before they get better, because something deep is coming to the surface to look at and accept (what many would call healing), and the ego, happy to repress something it judges, causes physical symptoms of distraction that cause the person to stop in their tracks and pay attention to the physicality vs. the underlying issue that’s coming up!

I have many examples of how the non-physical has played out in the physical; here are only a few of many, MANY examples I’ve experienced, with myself and with clients:

  • I had a man coming to see me for a package of sessions, and we were working on his inconsistency and lack of commitment in his life. We looked at and he accepted and shifted many things, but the behavior came up again and again. He started having some scary physical symptoms: A heart issue came up (this is someone in his 40s), and he started having a LOT of back pain! His heart was holding onto something of deep judgment, and his back held the “burden” of it. Yet, he followed the “home play” I gave him via guidance.Finally, he came to see me, and he limped into my office, bent over, obviously in a lot of pain. We started talking, and he said something that had come up in his life caused him to believe he was pretty sure he knew what all of this was about: When he was a child, he was raped by a male cousin, several times. He’d held on to and repressed that all of his life, and because of how he judged himself and held on to the judgment of the other, he emanated the energy of unworthiness to have a good life, a good marriage, a good job, and a good place to live. Once he started telling me, the tears came right away, in a huge wave… and it all came out in the open, once and for all! We did an energy session, and at the end, he jumped up to hug and thank me… and started walking out of my office before he stopped, turned around, wide eyed, realizing that his back pain was COMPLETELY gone! That remained, and his heart symptoms alleviated shortly after, as well.
  • A woman came to see me because, due to some physical manifestations in her life (cancer, operations, and a subsequent paralyzed vocal cord), she had almost no voice whatsoever. The doctors told her she’d never regain her voice to what it had been, and yet she felt otherwise. In our first session, I had to lean forward to hear her – and she was sitting two feet away from me! Right away, my guidance was that it had to do with the lack of her standing in her Truth and letting others “take her voice away.”In her life, she’d been through a 25+-year marriage of some pretty dark abuse, and other circumstances. She had a quite a number of situations through her life (and others, but that’s a conversation for another day) where she allowed her voice to be stifled… until it physically manifested that way. We did a number of sessions focusing on worthiness, acceptance, and standing in her own power; within six months, her voice was tremendously improved! A year-and-a-half later (as I’ve now taught her how to do energy healing herself), her voice projects easily and normally, and she can easily speak to a room full of people and be heard!

When we focus on helping to energetically create a reality that is flowing, and steeped in worthiness, self-love, and true self-expression, we will naturally be in the flow… and things will be graceful, easy, healthy… and a lot more fun! So many are amazed at how many areas in their lives are positively affected by energy healing (typically far more than they ever anticipated)! When the focus is shifted to what’s core and underlying, looking at the wholistic picture vs. focusing on a symptom, ONE focus area in an energy healing session can free the recipient/participant in many, many ways for an optimal, much healthier and well-balanced experience in their life!

Energy healing, when engaged in its full value – regardless of what type there is (and there are many, many types of energy healing, accessing different purity of frequency, including Trinity Energy Progression, Reiki, Arcing Light, Healing Touch, ThetaHealing, and a variety others), is tapping into the Universal Energy of which we’re a part, and honoring the power we have to change everything within ourselves; it’s the first step to recognizing (remembering) that we alone are responsible for creating our reality. The “energy healer” (as is the same for ALL forms of healing, including doctors and Western medicine) simply facilitates assistance to the client in accessing “frequencies of healing” that the individual doesn’t yet remember how to access themselves, via tools that are optimal for that individual. When such infinitely powerful and effective tools are accessed, and the core situations are addressed and changed, everything is changeable! This is true for everything, from situations such as headaches, a pain in the hip, depression, and injury healing (both physical and emotional/mental) to what many consider chronic (and sometimes terminal) situations including allergies, addiction, fibromyalgia, bipolarity, and cancer. The list is endless! Want a better life? A better job? Are you ready to take the reins and REALLY find your place of well-being, of existing in a flowing, balanced and harmonized manner that’s as truly and wholly effective as what we would consider magical? Try it out!

 

Angela Coulter
Healing Facilitation and Instruction
Originator, Trinity Energy Progression
Spiritual Alchemy, Ascension Guidance